


Blindspot

by BenevolentlyEvil



Category: Saiyuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, F/F, nothing but angst and bitterness here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:15:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28965219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenevolentlyEvil/pseuds/BenevolentlyEvil
Summary: What was the end goal to all of this? To revive Gyuumaoh? And then what? Rule the world? Would ruling the world dull the ache that was always present inside her?
Relationships: Gyokumen Koushu/Gyuumaoh, Gyokumen Koushu/Rasetsunyo
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Blindspot

**Author's Note:**

> The only warning that's applicable for this is apparently "OUCH MY FEELS" so, you know. Angst, ahoy!

There was a part of the castle that she never ventured into voluntarily. People had always thought that it was because of her indifference, or her hatred, that caused her to stay away from that room.

_"I will be Gyuumaoh's legal wife."_

Her own words rang false in her mind. The real intention behind her words unknown to all but herself.

And her.

But she was stone now, posing no direct threat to Gyokumen Koushu, but always present in the back of her mind. Haunting her every step, poisoning her every word, marring her every action.

She hated seeing Kougaiji, the sight of him tore at her wounds anew. He looked so much like her, it turned her stomach whenever she laid eyes on him. He even moved like her, he would speak the words she would utter if she was... So Gyokumen Koushu treated him poorly, hurting him with every word, every decision she took would in some way hurt him. But all her efforts were in vain, it would not lessen the steady ache in her chest. Instead, she would be haunted by the image of him as a toddler, always in his mother's arm, so kind and thoughtful even as a young child. That in turn, would only make it harder for her to breathe. Then there was that tall sworn-sword of his. Always trailing after his lord, watching his back. It reminded her of the old Gyokumen Koushu, the one who would listen carefully to whispers and words spoken in secret against her. She, who had gladly exacted punishment on those who speak ill of her within her earshot.

Gyokumen Koushu hissed at the empty room. This was why she never liked being alone for too long. She looked down on the sutra resting on her lap, trying to remember her reasoning for doing this. What was the end goal to all of this? To revive Gyuumaoh? And then what? Rule the world? Would ruling the world dull the ache that was always present inside her? Gyokumen hissed again.

_"I will always be by your side."_

Words uttered and betrayed. But not forgotten. Never forgotten. Her own words ringing loudly in her head, taunting her. Her broken promise would haunt her, along with the lady's smile, always so kind and nurturing. Her touch, gentle but sure. What on earth was she doing all of this for? Countless of demons dead, her own child soon to be sacrificed to revive Gyuumaoh. And for what?

Gyokumen remembered the look on her face, the betrayal a fresh wound on her beautiful face. But still she said nothing. If her words were spoken stiffly, if the smile on her face was taut and hollow, no one around them had said anything. Gyokumen had always begrudgingly admired her inner strength, always so sure and unwavering in her actions. Gyokumen's own cruel smile dimmed at the sight of her, making her doubt her own actions.

During the nights that she spent alone, when Nii would mysteriously disappear from the castle, her mind would wander to the events that happened all those centuries ago. Gyokumen had appeared at the castle, alone and unsure with no one to support her. She had to fight for her own survival, always taking the initiative to attack before others could hurt her. And then she met Rasetsunyo, already Gyuumaoh's wife. Already out of her reach.

After all these years, Gyokumen still didn't really understand why Rasetsunyo took her in as her lady-in-waiting. It was so unexpected, many found it disagreeable and had whispered against Rasetsunyo's decision.

_"I do not ask for your loyalty. I ask only for your honesty. You are free to leave me if you see fit to do so. You have my word that no harm will come to you, even if you do decide to leave me."_

It seemed too good to be true, even now, Gyokumen refused to believe that Rasetsunyo meant that. But in her darkest hours, Gyokumen did wonder, if she had simply left the castle, never to look back, would Rasetsunyo kept her words? Would she let Gyokumen go, ensuring no harm would befall her? The side of her that still ached for Rasetsunyo whispered traitorously; Rasetsunyo would keep her words and let her leave, no ill words would fall from her beautiful lips. Rasetsunyo wasn't the traitorous one.

Gyokumen didn't even know how it happened. After the initial distrust that Gyokumen had harboured, not that it was a rare occurrence, they had been close. Their relationship was the most intimate one that Gyokumen had ever allowed herself to have. They shared secrets, they also shared a general distrust towards anyone outside of themselves, and when the situation allowed it, they would share their bed. During those hours, sequestered away from the rest of the castle, free from their prying eyes and nasty whispers, they could be themselves. They were free to love each other, intertwined so completely with each other. Gyokumen didn't realise how entangled she had become to Rasetsunyo until it was too late.

Gyokumen didn't know what moved her to betrayal, but the thought of it was always in the back of her mind. Anytime Gyokumen caught Rasetsunyo talking to one of her ladies-in-waiting, an innocent guard, anyone that wasn't her, it would set her aflame. Jealousy would burn through every inch of her skin, cool anger crawling and clawing inside her chest. Every time, Gyokumen would talk herself down, smiling sweetly at Rasetsunyo's questioning gaze. But Rasetsunyo never said anything.

_"Is there anything that I can do?"_

That was the extent of her question, once Gyokumen reassured her that everything was fine, Rasetsunyo would leave the matter to float heavily in the air. Gyokumen resented her, why didn't she ask? Why didn't she demand Gyokumen to tell her what was wrong? Surely, it was well within her right to ask, Gyokumen was her lady-in-waiting, and she was Gyuumaoh's wife.

But Rasetsunyo never asked, never pressed for an answer, not even in their most intimate moments. Gyokumen would see it in her eyes, the question laying heavy on Rasetsunyo's brows, on the slight downward curve of her lips. Gods, she missed her lips. But those lips wouldn't say anything, wouldn't ask any other question once Gyokumen had dismissed her concerns.

So in her mind, it was only fair that Gyokumen slept with Gyuumaoh. If Rasetsunyo was not going to ask, then Gyokumen was not going to tell. And she had thought announcing her pregnancy would be her moment, at last victorious against the wife of Gyuumaoh. But her expression, the well-contained hurt in her eyes, the way her voice was slightly strained when Rasetsunyo congratulated her, turned the glee in her mouth to bitter poison. Rasetsunyo never raised a hand against her, never even raised her voice, and somehow, that was worse.

Nothing was the same after that, Gyuumaoh would come and share her bed instead of Rasetsunyo. He was sweet and affectionate towards her, but Gyokumen knew that the child she was carrying was the real recipient of his affection. It wasn't her. Never her.

During her pregnancy, Rasetsunyo wouldn't look at her, at least not in the way she used to. She would still smile politely, keeping her peace, her emotions tightly guarded against Gyokumen. Sometimes Gyokumen wished that Rasetsunyo had exacted some kind of revenge towards her. A slap, a knife on her growing belly, anything. The absence of such violence was new to Gyokumen, and it was a new kind of pain. Gyokumen grew to hate Rasetsunyo.

And yet, when Gyuumaoh visit her bed, her thoughts would traitorously drift towards Rasetsunyo, how she had hope it was Rasetsunyo she was sharing her bed with, how she wished those were her hands roaming her body, bitterly did she miss her touch. But there was no turning back. She had made her choice and now she was to reap the fruits of her labour.

The fruits of her betrayal.

Gyokumen blinked, not realising that the tears were falling until they had stained the sutra on her lap. Angrily, she wiped the tears away. She stood, letting the sutra fell on the floor. Her chest ached, the sutra was another painful reminder, just another proof of her own stupidity. Forcefully, she shrugged off her emotions, stalking out of the room in search of Nii.


End file.
